You make some good points. You made a couple of off ones too.

As for which is worse, crying over abuse or learning to be okay with it. Neither. They are opposite sides of the same coin. The problem is loss of autonomy and space. Regardless of how you react to it you still grow up to be a woman who is unable to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

That makes for a miserable life as a partner, as a parent, as an employee, as a boss, even as a customer or member of any group. Absolutely every aspect of your life is an unnecessary struggle, a constant roiling that keeps you disoriented, unfocused, and unable to function well in society.

By the way, it’s the same long term effect on the mental landscape as sexual assault or rape which are also power plays that attack and strip a person of autonomy; their sense of safety and security within their own body or their right to personhood.

The other off point was that the father was raising the bar for her relationships. He’s actually lowering it. Children learn from the opposite sex parent what love is supposed to look like from a future partner. They learn from their same sex parent how to love a future partner. She’s learning from her father that she’s not important, that she should expect to be ignored and disrespected, and that her main job is to provide amusement to her partner based on his whims. She’s learning from her mother to tolerate less than she needs, to make excuses for hurtful behavior, and to not expect better for herself or her own children.

Her mom is likely to eventually leave this guy. She doesn’t sound very happy either. If she does so before her daughter turns 6 or 7 she’ll have a chance to establish a different love map. If not, her daughter will likely struggle as an adult in her relationships. It’s impossible to tell to what degree or which relationships.