Yeah, men seem to really twist themselves in knots over this. Agree, it's fucking weird.

Okay, I'm going to use my Dad as an example, so you can relate better (hopefully).

Dude. It's all about the narrative you tell yourself. But think of it as framing rather than manipulation. That's a more accurate assessment anyways.

First off, to be okay in a general stranger interaction, you have to have a base level of being okay with yourself. If you were to ask my Dad, he'd tell you that he's not that smart. He actually is pretty smart; smarts run in the family. He's particularly good at figuring things out, mechanically. He'll talk himself through stuff and work out how things work or fit together. But he thinks he's very average and it's a combination of things that makes him adequate at this thing he does. Everyone else is usually wowed. Also important to note that he's self taught.

He thinks he's not that smart because he knows there are more intelligent people than him. And, truly, there are. There's always somebody else bigger, smarter, buffer, more attractive, richer, whatever, right? ALWAYS.

So this self defeating thinking he has comes from male/male competition. Men have to compete against each other ALL the time. It never ends. That's what dominance hierarchy is all about. Constant never ending competition. Over everything. For real, men will compete to the death over a TicTac given the right conditions.

And this is where most men who struggle with self worth get stuck. They're mentally stuck in that loop of knowing they'll never be top dog. They're can only be a handful of top dogs and it ain't gonna be them.

You feel me? I know you do because this is generalized male angst. Am I good enough? Am I worthy?

So there's got to be a balancing in the mind to deal with that angst. Right? Otherwise it's off to the Self Pity Gorge and the Trench of Depression for you.

Okay, so there's an Army story attached (Dad was in his early twenties at this point) which I will skip but the lesson of it was that the biggest isn't always the strongest, the strongest isn't always the most resilient, the most reailient isn't always the most intelligent, and so forth and so on. Let's just say that ROTC was an awakening in many ways.

So, he's working on some piece of machinery (I don't remember what it was exactly, I'm thinking a car or a car part) and he doesn't know what he's doing. But it needs to get done, there's nobody else there, he can be careful, he'd like to try, he doesn't have to be the smartest because every mechanic in the world can do this. He just has to be at least as smart as half of them to stand a decent chance of fixing this thing. If things go badly, he can always replace the thing or ask for help. Surely somebody would cut a kid who tries (he's was still thinking of himself as a kid, a teen) some slack and help a fella out.

So, he gave it a go. He took his time. He went patiently and prudently. He laid out all the parts in order. He worked it out.

He fixed it.

Boom. There you go. That's it. That's all it is.

Confidence is the ability to reason yourself out of the angst we all feel about the insecurities we have, and we all have them, by reframing the narrative. It's listening to the angel on your left shoulder over the devil on your right shoulder. It's making a choice of action rather than being passive or stagnant. It's closing your eyes to the headlights of your fear so you can move off the road, away from hazards.

The process of having that itty bitty kernel of confidence, will gain you confidence in other things.

Fixing that thing. Running drills carrying a literal Line Backer who weighs twice as much as you on your shoulders. Starting a club. Getting an Internship. Talking to that girl you think is cute. Graduating College. Being able to take care of your son. Living your life.

It all comes from laying brick after brick on that foundation of reframing the angst of not being the best into the confidence that you don't have to be because you're good enough.

On every one of those things, you don't have to be the best. You just have to be as good as half of everybody else. And then get moving on that.

That doesn't specifically help you out with stranger interactions, but it's a start. And it would most likely do you well to sit with that a bit and let it brew and percolate. Besides, I've already been asked to write an article about the difference between entitlement and confidence that I need to get going on and that will pick up from here. Then you get to the part you're most like interested in. Talking to women.

Hope you read that article.