Yeah, I'm from old Appalachian stock. We live and breathe practicality; have to as there ain't much else. You learn early on that you're the unwanted step-child of America, the only time you get any care or attention (federally speaking) leads to the destruction or degradation of your homes, land, and environment, you are collateral damage to benefit city people, and otherwise you're just forgotten. You're going to live hard and die young and the only thing you got is each other. Ain't nobody else coming cause nobody else cares.

We don't have the time or bandwidth for too much high mindedness or fancy fluff thinking just for the sake of fancy fluff thinking. Plus, it's like a slap in the face most times.

About the example of jealousy, no that's not what meant. At least, I think that's not what I meant. I'm not entirely sure I understood correctly what you were saying, lol.

Let's look at a more specific and detailed example and hopefully that'll clear up any miscommunications. You'll probably get a kick out of this development from when I was married to becoming a parent.

Back when I was married, my ex-husband worked in the finance industry and one year the company sprung for a Christmas party at a hotel lounge rather than at the office. More fancy, you understand. Anyway, while we were there, the employees including my ex-husband kept directing any conversation back to industry specific things and trash talking competitors and customers. This effectively excluded all the spouses from socializing because none of us had that shared office history. One by one (most of the other spouses were men) the spouses drifted off to the bar and started watching the game that was on the TV. The few women spouses left, including me, just kind of politely say there till around midnight or so when they started insisting on leaving or doing whatever they needed to do to go get their kids. What have you. About 15 min after I was the only spouse left at the table, I went off to the bar myself and started a conversation with the bartender and an old guy sitting there. Most fun I'd had in weeks, much less all that night.

Anyway, apparently while I was having a grand old time trying some new concoctions made by the bartender, my ex's colleagues started bashing me for being a wallflower and telling him how surprized they were someone like him would marry someone like me because he was so social and I was such a social dud.

So you see, I do know EXACTLY the dynamic you were describing.

I could have gone my whole life without knowing about that, but he got pissed that the bartender was giving me and the old guy free drinks so he felt the need to share it.

Now. Imagine dropping by the office and seeing these callous, mouthy shrews with their fake smiles and fake tans and fake nails and lacquered hair after you know about that conversation. Mmn hmm.

Here the ex had a prime opportunity to step into that role and be a protector.

He failed.

Miserably.

And as you yourself have learned, it says a lot, none of it good, when a partner doesn't defend the integrity of your relationship. It's not as much about protecting you, it's more about protecting the relationship. The partner will feel protected when the relationship is protected and treated as sacrosanct. Right? Cause that's what these women were doing. Interfering in our relationship in order to curry favor or be a pick me girl with the boss.

Clear case of bullshit thundercuntery. I'm pretty sure we can both agree on that.

But that was the incident that got me thinking of jealousy in a new way on account of how the whole reason I ever gained that knowledge of what they did was because of my ex's petty jealousy of not needing him to entertain myself after he and the staff basically ostracized/excluded everyone else at a social gsthering by monopolizing the conversation around work dramas. The gall. This is how most people experience and think about jealousy. A disrespect.

But the result of the fight over the poor bartender who dared show me and the old guy an ounce of kindness got me thinking about how jealousy would work as a properly applied tool. And I socked that revelation away for later.

Think about jealousy as an act of guarding, like a dog will jealously guard a bone or their food bowl. They don't hover over the bowl or have a fit when just anyone comes near it. They don't smother the food bowl. But if someone who has not earned food bowl level of trust comes near the bowl or somebody starts acting squirrelly around the bowl, like teasing them that you're fonna steal their food, the dog is gonna let you know it's displeased with this behavior. The dog is feeling like it's trust in you has been violated. The dog is right.

Cause your behavior provoked a jelous emotion in the dog.

So in that same regard, relationships should be jeously guarded because they are sacrosanct, meaning if you truly value them then they are not to be trifled with or allowed to be the jokes or playthings of those outside the relationship. If you truly care about the relationship, you do NOT let that bullshit stand unchallenged.

Boundaries. Right?

Okay, so fast forward to the arrival of Urchling. I taught her this dynamic by jealously guarding our relationship integrity. I never went along with the other parents when they trash talked their kids or kids in general. I even clapped back at one of her teachers for something she said diparaging the kids in their earshot (She said all kids were dumb and didn't know anything)..

So Urchling is in grade school and a little boy in gym class is swapping fat Mama jokes amongst a group of boys. He calls out to Urchling and says, "Hey Urchling, your Mama's soooo fat....". I can't remember which one it was, so many to choose from. Urchling did not know that fat Mama jokes were a thing. She'd never heard one before. So, quite naturally, she removed her shoe, threw it at him and beaned that poor boy right in the head with it, jeously defending the integrity of our relationship.

"Don't you talk about my sweet Mama like that!!"

Right? Because it's sacrosanct, right? You don't allow someone to trash talk someone you love. You protect that bond them with firmly established boundaries of behavior you will not allow in your presence unchallenged.

People will always naturally protect what they truly care about. Always. They will guard it, jealously. That's why it sucks so bad when your partner fsils you here. Deep down you know you're invested more in the relationship and them than they are in you. Cause I'd they were, they'd be fucking acting like it, especially after you came to them and told them how you felt. We can give a little leeway for a first offense, because sometimes we freeze and don't.know what to do when we are caught off guard. Shock and social.awkwardness can do that. But if this is a habit or a clearly demonstrated pattern of behavior, then you got a problem that needs addressing, one way or another.

So that's how the emotion of jealousy can be utilized appropriately as a tool to strengthen and fortify your relationships.

An added bonus. When you jealously defend the integrity of your relationships you elevate both yourself and the other person in the relationship. After that, ALL the kids knew who I was. They knew my name. They looked at me with awe. When you jealously guard the integrity of your relationships, all things being equal (like, there's not any real and obvious abuse in it), you ensure both you and the other person are respected within the larger group or community.

It's got to be both absolute and reciprocal. When it's not, the group as a whole devolves to constant pecking back and forth.

More food for thought.