This one is particularly right and fair. And also extremely unfair. Most importantly, it's very easily avoidable being a thing.
It's true. Getting all dolled up and putting on effort for a date only to be taken to a coffee house is,let's day aggravating and disappointing. It feels like a slight and an insult, or it makes the guy look lame or juvenile.
It just does. Of course, if you are actually very young, coffee dates are great.
That said, things have changed and we need to adapt with them. Used to be, folks knew each other and/or had observed each other enough in person to know whether or not they wanted to invest in a date or not. They'd already met face to face and conversed in person some before the date was requested. This is one of the downsides of dating apps, it eliminated that and made dating much more of a gamble for both parties.
It's fair to not want to invest in a high dollar date with someone you met off a dating app, we're set up with (blind date), or someone you really don't know at all. Especially in down economies, when you're experiencing wage stagnation, and when there aren't a lot of reasonably priced public options that keep safety in mind, because she doesn't know you either.
It just is. The reality is, coffee dates are ideal for this situation.
Personally, I'm pro coffee dates. But. You can also be damn sure I'm not getting gussied up in any kind of way for a coffee date. And any guy who acts like he's actually made any kind of real effort buying a cup of coffee and shows his ass about MY presentation (I'll be clean and kempt, but not coiffed) has wasted my time, which also has value. I will not be pleased. And let's be real, that happens too. Guys expect you to put out in every kind of way but are absolute skinflints over a cup of coffee. They think the sexual revolution made sex "free". To be fair, in most ways it did. But "free" doesn't mean meaningless or valueless or that the woman should put out with the slightest bit of attention without getting anything in return, like your time, energy, companionship, effort, respect, fair play, etc. Sex becoming "free" didn't not turn all women into flash sale whores. Bunch of you men need no stop acting like it did. You need to stop acting like promotional manwhores your own selves. It's gross. Have some self respect. Nobody wants community dick; it has a tendency to ooze.
Anyway. This back and forth of mixed up expectations levied against each other, is actually very easily avoided.
Don't use the word 'date' when asking a woman out unless you intend to take her on a full throttle, adult date. Be more specific in your language.....
"We've been chatting for a while, can we meet for coffee this weekend and see if this attraction follows us into real life?"
"We're getting into some deep conversations that are hard to keep up with in text/chat. I would love to get into detail about (whatever you were talking about) face to face. Can we meet for coffee or brunch this weekend?
"I've been looking forward to seeing you, but my schedule is crazy the next few days. I will make time to see you if it can be a coffee date. Such and such place also has killer blueberry muffins if you're interested. Those big ones with the brown sugar on top. You said you loved fresh blueberry muffins. Meet me for one Saturday morning?"
Now, you've asked her for the date in a way that is not going to feel like trickery or come across as underhanded and disrespectful. She knows what the date will entail and can invest her own time appropriately. She can politely refuse, if coffee doesn't meet her standards for dating or make another suggestion, like waiting for a real date.
That's equitable, it's fair and both parties are going in with the same set of expectations. That's exactly what the guy in your video did. As you fairly pointed out, she too declined respectfully. She didn't trash him and she's allowed her standards, whatever they are.
To answer the guy's question in the clip, there's nothing wrong with getting coffee. I would have said yes (all other things being equal).
But then, I'm not particularly into being "wooed" in the wined and dined sense. I tend to find that style of dating more annoyingly pretentious than romantic. But many women love being wined and dined. In fact, for many women and men, nothing short of that will register as being romantic or enough. And don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like being wooed. I do. It's just that overly priced fancy restaurants don't particularly get it done for me.
So she's correct. If he's not the type of guy who feels like romance is tied to wining and dining, she's not going to be a good match for him any more than he is for her. They will only disappoint each other.
Men like to be romanced in their unique and particular ways too. If she can only deliver via wining and dining, his needs will be unmet.
It's not the coffee that's the problem here.
