The author mentions they went to counceling and marriage therapy. She was also in therapy. He knew. How obtuse do you have to be to not realize that people don’t usually request marriage counseling when things are great? She also mentioned she grew up in an abusive household which was why she failed to recognize it wasn’t as good a match as she thought. I’m assuming that was a significant part of her personal therapy, but again, how obtuse do you have to be to not realize that if you choose to marry some people (like people who have experienced significant trauma) that the marriage is going to require more resources and extended commitment from both? How obtuse do you have to be to not realize your partner is sinking into depression and it’s not getting better?
He knew. Come on, he knew. He just rationalized away his responsibility, the depth of it, that he could do anything, that he should do anything. It allowed him to remain indifferent to his partner’s struggles, continue to reap all the benefits of marriage, to be comfortable yet aloof.
So I ask again, who’s the selfish one here?
The children are grown so holidays are changing anyway. They will have families of their own and have to split visit time with both sets of extended family. Further, if he misses out on time with his kids at this juncture, it’s on him. It should never have to be Mom’s job to carry a paternal relationship too. Too many of us women do it. It’s been bad for us, bad for our children, and, yes, bad for the fathers too. The same principles apply. Ever hear that song Cat’s in the Cradle?
Besides, it seems the divorce is proceeding slowly and amicably. There’s no reason why they can’t get together with the kids on holidays and both participate in their grandchildren’s lives. He just needs to learn there’s more to being present than showing up. But that’s his choice, just as is dating again, or any other possibility.
In closing, I object to the charge of selfishness because she’s already served a 31 year sentence of emotional isolation and neglect as a consequence of his selfishness. How is it right or fair? Maybe it is selfish. Maybe it’s just his turn to pay the price of a partner’s selfishness.
