Thanks for weighing in. Hands down, most single parents are single moms. But I’ve known a few single dads too, during the Urchling’s playground days. And you’re right, they get their own particular kind of scorn and difficulties as well as their own benefits and acceptance/sympathies from society.
From what I’ve observed, what you’ve described is rare to most single dads. Families and friends tend to fall all over themselves to help single dads. There’s just so much awe and surprise to see a dad actually step up and do the hard thing, you know?
There was one exception. I knew a single dad who’s wife had gotten involved in drugs and abandoned the family. She hit bottom and went to rehab so he took her back. She started using again almost immediately and neglected her eldest daughter. The police found her wandering around outside in winter, locked out of the house. She was almost 4 at the time. He kicked his wife out permanently and had her parental rights severed. Divorced ASAP.
He had two daughters. When we knew them, it was during pee wee cheer sport. Urchling (my little one) and his eldest were on the same team. His was 7, and mine was 4. His was helping mine work through the finer points of a cartwheel.
Anyway, he always seemed to have 'help' thrown at him left, right and sideways. I confess, it was real work to not be jealous. Nobody EVER even offered to help me and I learned pretty quick not to ask and here he was blithely refusing help. Time and time again.
So one day, I was really struggling with that envy bug and I asked him why he always refused. Paraphrased, his answer was: these offers of assistance are always one of two things that he wanted no part of. They’re either looking for a husband or they’re pushing him to get married again because they don’t think it’s right for a man to raise two daughters alone either because they think a man should stay away from female reproductive stuff or they don’t think men are capable. He had zero desire to ever marry again. Too burned.
It’s true (regardless of whether you’re the mom or the dad), any help offered is often contingent on some crazy ass conditions. People don’t seem to realize what they’re saying and what they’re thinking about. We punish single parenthood in the most asinine ways.
What he said absolutely floored me. It stings my soul to this day. I’ve never forgotten it. When I think about it, it’s just … wow. Unbelievable. You know?
Maybe your dad was also offered more help than you realize. Maybe he had good reason to turn it down.
Last I heard his eldest was entering in a 5 year engineering program. If she was able to stay on track, she should be graduating this spring.
