Raising emotionally intelligent children is not predicated solely on school socialization or socialization in general.

Again, it depends.

If a school is overly authoritarian, it is not providing an environment that fosters emotional intelligence.

If a school tries to force socialization and participation too much it will harm children who are naturally introverts with quiet, reserved, retiring personalities. Shyness is not a disease or a disability that has to be corrected. And you can’t really force them out of it before they are ready and want to engage more. There seems to be a push within education to produce cookie cutter students. This does not lead to emotional intelligence, it leads to emotional damage.

It’s also a fallacy to think all children need copious amounts of socialization in order to be emotionally intelligent when it depends on the socialization itself too. Being socialized by bullies will either teach you how to deal with a bully or it will teach you how to be a bully. It was socialization that drove Lord of the Flies. So a big part of gaining emotional intelligence depends on the type of socialization on the menu, as you suggested with the messed up families analogy. That doesn’t happen just in families, it happens in churches, athletics, scouts, clubs, on the internet, and schools.

Subtle social messages that are harmful are rampant in school and all media (and advertising). Ideas like that virginity is bad, fat is bad, skin color is bad, drinking makes you cool, if you don’t have a lot of sex you’re a prude, if you have sex you’re a slut, insane notions regarding supposed mating hierarchy, math is too hard for girls, girls are stupid, girls are great for f*ing but not much else, girls aren’t as important as boys, girls with body hair are gross, etc. I’ll stop there, but I could go on (I focused on female messaging because I have a daughter, and I’m female too). None of these things lead to emotionally intelligence. They do lead to all sorts of fun neuroses.

The best argument for school socialization is also the best argument against it. You get exposed to different ideas and different people and different beliefs and cultures. Sometimes that’s good but let’s not kid ourselves that it’s all good. There’s no filter. You can’t take the good and leave the bad (outlined above). Which means you need to have emotional intelligence enough already to go to school, filter for yourself out good and bad … in order to learn emotional intelligence??

🤔 Uh huh. It’s clearly working out in a stellar fashion.

The formula to emotional intelligence is actually very simple and it doesn’t require much socialization so much as loving socialization and loving truth. Safe space and time to deal with emotions before acting on them without shame, fear, or guilt. That’s really all it is. Sometimes you need examples. Sometimes you need someone to walk through emotions with you so you can work out why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you need help course correcting malignant beliefs. Those needs don’t go away once you’re grown up. You may need those things even while you’re dying.

I came from a somewhat messed up family too that never really recovered from a family crisis. I didn’t get socialized at school or anywhere else that well. I didn’t learn emotional intelligence until I had to choose whether to continue damaging patterns or provide skills I did not have and still struggle with for my daughter. It’s never too late and it shouldn’t take impending parenthood to drive one to seek out what is missing.

Thanks for your comments, I appreciate them. 👍