Okay, you're wrong. Here's your correction.
If I blamed him, I wouldn't have housed him for over a year, and helped him work out separation strategies in the ones following, counseled him repeatedly, and loaned him money, not all of which was repaid, so he could get out. Time and time and time again. Why would I have done that if I blamed him?
How about because I understand that people who get abused do so because their love map is screwy, usually from childhood trauma. The whole point was that it takes a very long time with a lot of failure in-between to unlearn those behaviors and relearn new life skills. Nobody does it over night.
People need support through it, for a very long time. They need counseling and a cushion for when they fail.
In what universe is that gatekeeping?
My problem here is that there are a lot of men out there jumping on the "men are abused" bandwagon just to silence women who are advocating against abuse FOR ALL GENDERS. When women talk about abuse, most of their stories are women centric, but only because they are women. Men are less likely to talk about abuse. That doesn’t mean when women talk about abuse that only women get abused or that they only care about the women getting abused. Some of you men are allowing these charlatans (who don’t give a rat’s ass about you or what you went through btw) to use your abuse as a cudgel to bash women. Your wording has clearly picked up on that rhetorical refrain. It’s bullshit. Nobody who’s actually been in the trenches either for a family member, a friend, or professionally would ever make such a claim.
It’s not like the vast majority of women refuse to acknowledge that women can be abusive either. It’s never been a secret. Most abusive women predominantly abuse their children, so it’s never been a question really. Lot of folks out there talk about their Mommy Dearest once they become adults.
This whole thing about women saying and believing that women never abuse is a distraction from pushing for accountability and the very real fact that men are the dominant abusers and their abuse is more often fatal for their victims.
This rhetoric is also often, but not always, an attempted DARVO by men who have been outed or think what they’re doing (usually emotional or financial abuse) is okay.
It is very sad that now advocates have to wade through all this garbage too. It’s ultimately undermining men who are abused.
So when what you said gets challenged, don’t assume it’s because the person is gatekeeping or trying to gaslight you. Abuse is real. For women. For men. For children. Real advocates against abuse include the opposite gender, children, and animals as well. They may focus on one for their own personal work, but their commentary will show empathy for anyone abused and speak out against and/or promote content that speaks out against all forms of abuse. Sometimes, they’ll even push back against enablers.
