I've already gotten kicked out of Sunday School for insisting that people are animals, much to the horror and chagrin of poor Mrs. Dogmara Nonsense.

There's just no getting around that pesky dictionary or the steady pencil scraping of having to check all those criteria boxes off one by one.

Living organism. Check.
Feeds on organic matter. Check that one twice cause I'm about to go have a big 'ol salad. Lotsa maters. I'm getting hooked up.
Has specialized sense organs. Yep. Check that one too.
Has a nervous system. Given the frequency with which some self identifying philosophers get on my last damn nerve (not you, just in general), we gotta put a check on that one too.

Last one. All or nothing. For the prize. You ready?

Able to respond rapidly to stimuli.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?!?

Check. And mate.

I'm an animal. You're an animal. Humans are animals. Sorry, not sorry.

Would you rather be a plant or a fungus or a prokaryote?

You do you, I guess but I think being an animal is the best option. The mobility is a big plus, in my book.