In this case, there’s not one. But, my experience has been that many men are not as gracious. Like, by trying to be nice to them and help them out, do THEM a good turn, you’re saying they’re not man enough to handle their own business.
I have been cussed out for opening doors for men, or holding one open for a guy behind me after my group and I went through.
I have been cussed out after going through a door a man held open for me, after which I nodded acknowledgement/thanks at him because I was clearly on the phone [with my MOTHER] for not showing 'appropriate respect' whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. That particular dude got pretty gnarly. I was rattled enough to worry about my safety and prepare counter measures.
My point is, there’s just as much of a reason why women are so weird about acts of chivalry as men are about performing them. Gendering the whole thing in the first place was kinda dumb and not going to lead to anything good. As an act of gender performance, it does well and truly suck for both parties. Chivalry itself is based in misogyny and philosophies of benevolent patriarchy. Doesn’t mean it can’t grow beyond it’s original design. That takes growth on both sides.
My personal take on door opening? If you (universal you not 2nd person singular you) want to be nice and open a door, then do so. But, your niceness is done for you because that’s how you define yourself. I am the direct object [grammatically speaking] upon which the action is applied. It does not hurt me but was done without my input, choice, or consent so I don’t 'owe' you a damn thing for your niceness any more than I would owe you for a rock you put in my hand if that was your custom and habit that I never asked for.
That said, because I too, am a nice person, I will thank you in a manner befitting what’s going on at the moment. It might be verbal, it might be a nod, a thumbs up, a peace sign, or even a wink. If that’s not good enough for you that’s your problem and you deal with it or expect some heavy therapy fees for having to put up with your bullshit. Because I didn’t ask or expect you to be nice in the first place. For further clarity, there’s a difference between not being nice and being rude too. Just because I didn’t ask or expect you to be nice doesn’t mean I did ask or expect you to be rude either. Just be neutral and don’t make a fuss.
If I decide to be nice and open a door for you, you don’t have to thank me profusely or shower me with overly flattering courtesies. I don’t need that shit to prove my value or define myself as a woman. If you want to say thank you, it’s appreciated. Genuinely. I appreciate your niceness too cause you really didn’t have to do that.
Don’t blast me because you’re an insecure little twit. You’re a stranger to me, I’m a stranger to you. Until words or actions pass between us to indicate otherwise, you’ve got no reason to assume I’ve given any thought at all about your perceived masculinity or lack thereof. I honestly don’t care.
It’s a damned door. Let’s ALL keep some fucking perspective.
