If you're talking reparations, then you're right. It only goes so far.
But amends and reparations are not the same thing.
I'm talking about making amends. Let's consult the dictionary.
Amends: verb
3rd person present:
make minor changes in (a text) in order to make it fairer, more accurate, or more up-to-date.
"the rule was amended to apply only to nonmembers"
modify formally, as a legal document or legislative bill. "did she amend her original will later on?"
make better; improve.
"if you can amend or alter people's mindset"
Making amends is the step after an apology or recognition of wrong doing. Amends comes in conjunction with forgiveness.
Without real and meaningful amends, what you have is a dysfunctional dynamic where one party or side constantly wrongs the ither and thinks they just have to say sorry so they can do it again. This is infantile or toddleresque thinking and in an adult relationship or within a population, it's incredibly dysfunctional.
Amends is the 12 step program for addicts. It's also a specific step but the steps as a whole can be seen as amends or a redemption arc.
Amends is follow through.
Amends is taking accountability for yourself to do no further harm.
Amends is NOT about blame or shame.
Amends is growing the fuck up and stepping into a position of purpose and place.
It is not about endless contrition or performative apology or paying money forevermore for someone else to nurse their victimhood.
Amends is an act of real love.
I recently realized I have wronged Urchling in my thinking and some things I have said. When I came to her and apologized she was surprised because she never felt wronged or even noticed the thinf as beyond what is normal. I'm in the process of making amends. For this thing, that's an apology a recognition and discussion of why it was harmful, and a promise to not do it anymore. From here going forward, it's going to be internal work for me, examining the thought process that led me there and doing the long slow work of changing that auto-pilot thinking and behavior.
I do that because I truly love her.
It's not just words so I can get things from her or stroke my own ego.
I love her.
Love is more than a feeling. It's a verb. An action verb, not a passive one.
When you love someone, truly love them, all of them, rather than just the reflection of yourself they represent to you, you will fucking act like it. You'll want to, because you'll want to provide for and protect that relationship. You won't have to be blamed or shamed into it either, you won't have to have your hand held or your feelings managed for you. The thought of labor dumping your amends onto the one you wronged will disgust you.
Men cannot make reparations for millenia of abuse.
They do need to make amends.
