I think inherently we believe the same thing. I do believe women should take agency for their own lives. The difference we seem to disagree on is time. How much is acceptable before someone should stand on their own? Put a pin in that.
About the blame… I don’t think women in general blame men for patriarchy. They were born into it as a set of norms just as we were. So clearly, not their fault. We all live in it though, so we’re all responsible for maintaining it, evolving it, or dismantling it and the decision for which path to take. So the anger and frustration is because change is a slow process as it is, the denial, gaslighting, and constant derision coming from the male side of society just makes it worse.
And be honest, if the situation were reversed, women would listen, they would make changes, they would help. Women know you can’t have a happy, healthy, and prosperous society without men who are healthy and able to be happy and prosperous.
If only men would realize that you can’t have a happy, healthy, and prosperous society without women who are healthy and able to be happy and prosperous either.
Coming back to that pin, I wasn’t suggesting abused women needed their hands held forevermore so they don’t go back to abusive men. Only that it’s a process of unlearning old patterns and learning new life skills. It’s not a switch that can be flipped. It will take time.
If we make a comparison to addictions, we have detox, rehab, and AA type programs for addicts. Why can’t we think of the cycle of abuse somewhat the same way? It may be more effective long term.
In “detox” we have complete removal away from the situation. A woman and her children in an abusive relationship goes to a county agency and they’re sent to an isolated, secured, camp. No contact will be important so the abuser can’t cajole or threaten them into returning. The kids are safe. Injuries are treated.
In “rehab” we have therapy where those cycles are dismantled, examined, and set aside. New life skills are learned. Maybe something akin to an oath of celibacy could be part of treatment, like in AA. No relationships for a year after getting out. Self confidence grows. Self agency takes hold.
Then we have a maintenance program like AA monthly meetings. Where you can go and just listen or participate. There’s a therapist there doing a group. It’s a check to make sure you stay on track, that you’re still setting and maintaining boundaries in a healthy way. That you’re seeing acts if manipulation for what they are and responding accordingly. That you’re recognizing abusers now, during the love bombing, honeymoon phase for what they are.
Now, obviously, there are problems with the “detox" phase in regards to child custody that will need to be parsed out and codified into law in some fashion. Maybe temporary custody goes to a grandparent or other family member for a while. And this “detox” phase will need to be a matter of months because most women who are murdered as a result of trying to leave an abusive partner are murdered within the first several months.
That may seem like too broad an investment, but how much would it save in police resources for domestic violence? Or hospital resources? Or child protective care? Or family court? Lost wages and work?
The one thing I didn’t address here was the male side of this equation. More could be done here as well, but it’s beyond the scope of this discussion.
