I have a similar story. Most of us do. I did get an apology, years later.

And it did make it a little worse. Re-traumatizing. On two levels.

First off, I would suggest that the reasons these events stick to us is less because of the thing the boy did and more the betrayal of trust with everyone else legitimizing the dehumanization/behavior.

It’s a lot harder to get over that breach of trust than any single act of (sexual) harassment. Once you’ve been slapped in the face with the knowledge that you don’t matter it’s hard to just put that aside and pretend it wasn’t said. It colors everything from there on out and it isolates and others you.

So, my apology brought back to the surface a lot of resentment and grievance against certain family members who said, and I quote, “well, what did you do to make him think that was ok to do that to you?” And then he asked me out after a half baked apology. It was literally, “Hey! Long time no see. Do you remember that day on the bus? I just want to say I’m sorry about that and I should have said so sooner. I was mad and embarrassed that you punched me in the nose. I shouldn’t have hit you back 'cause I deserved it for that thing I did. But now I’m glad 'cause it taught me how to respect and treat women. Will you go out with me?”

Note: years later, he still can’t name that thing he did.

Yeah.

And once again I’m isolated and I feel that separation. I feel those resentments welling up again. They’ll never be resolved because that requires some kind of acknowledgement from the other party (family). I’ll know now I’ll never get that so the best I can do is learn to live with them; people can’t give you what they don’t have after all. And here is this hapless boy turned hapless man still grasping for attention he thinks is owed him. Would I please just give him attention and praise? Because now he knows better and he won’t do that again.