I don’t know about this. You might have had a bizarre experience but that doesn’t mean all women who say this are playing games.

I don’t like to get flowers. It’s not about the flowers though, I actually like flowers as much as the next person.

So what is it about?

Firstly, I’m deathly allergic to asters, particularly once they’ve been dried. This has caused all sorts of bad behavior drama from the man. You wouldn’t believe.

If I was interested in playing games or messing with mens' heads, I could demand I be brought flowers and then casually throw out there that I’m allergic. That’s just enough rope for them to hang themselves with. I would benefit immensely from the entertainment of the fallout, if I were a sociopathy like that, and it’s a weed out of unworthy potential suitors. Yep. Whatever red flag a guy is trying to hide, my allergy will trip it up. You definitely get a head’s up on who to run from.

But the truth is, the bad behavior drama is disheartening. It makes me feel sad and sometimes lonely (at least, it did before I gave up dating). And that I’m wasting my time. It made me feel used and unseen. Sometimes you feel like there must be something wrong with you. No date should be making you feel that way.

So to avoid the potential drama, I usually just tell men I don’t like getting flowers. Total truth: it’s not the flowers I don’t like. I don’t like how men think and act around the tradition of getting flowers for a woman. It pretty much sucks any way you look at it. So I can sympathize with your experience.

Secondly, I don’t like that it’s often so performative. I don’t like the pressure around Valentine’s Day. The gesture loses a lot without the spontaneity of "just cause". I don’t feel romantic one day a year and I’ve rarely ever felt overly amorous on Valentine’s Day. It’s February. Cold. Everything is still dead and brown. Everyone seems a little down and waiting for winter to be over. The weather is miserable. I don’t usually get that uplift that accompanies spring until spring has actually sprung. The redbuds and pear blossoms are still 3 weeks away.

I don’t like that the flower gift giving shifts after you become a mom from Valentine’s Day (romance) to Mother’s Day (you have produced) and so do the flowers (roses to a generic bouquet usually featuring large African asters). Because now that you’re a mom you don’t need romance in your life? You don’t want to feel desired by your partner any more?

There’s a lot of nefarious subtle messaging around the giving and receiving of flowers. We’ve all had our respective chains jerked around by and because of it. It’s like that damned door drama. Mostly, you just want people to stop acting so fucking weird about it or that it would go away altogether.

Since I don’t really relish the yearly existential circle jerk (call me crazy), I’d really rather a paramour not give me flowers.

But I love flowers. Sometimes I treat myself. And the handful of times someone has actually put in thoughtful, non performative because they think they have to level of effort and given me an aster free flower experience? It was sublime.

I got a bouquet of wrenches once too. That was about perfect.