I believe this is a distinct possibility. I see that exhaustion and anger in almost every mother partnered with a man I have known in mom circles while raising my daughter. Once they ditch the dude, it gets better. Not that there aren't other avenues of redress or implying that women don't co-create this situation, but let's be honest...it mostly ends in ditching the dude just so you can fucking breathe again.

I raised my daughter alone from the get go. I was given a patriarchal ultimatum at month 7 and politely advised him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out.

I too, describe my adventures I to motherhood as a mostly feral experience. But I didn't have that anger like you describe. Not then. The feralness was in feeling protectively violent, like if some body even looked at my sweet Urchling sideways, I'd have to max out my self restraint to NOT rip off their fucking heads. I developed a deep appreciation for praying mantises. Those ladies are ruthlessly efficient in their beheading and that's admirable, sort of.

And that's the second thing I noticed. A feral sort of pragmatism in thinking and action.

Other than that, it was mostly play and wonder.

I wasn't stressed. At all. I created an environment that I miss in a lot of ways. It was calm and quiet, in the moment, focused, and worked for me and Urchling. It was isolating, but in the same way a den is. Yeah. I hadn't thought of it like this till now, but infancy was spent in a 'den'. And it was great! Like I said, no stress. No anger. Just oodles and oodles of tender love and nurturing, which also felt unexpectedly feral.

I didn't start having Mama drama stresses till school years. I mostly remember these years as being frustrating but not particularly rage inducing.

Now, however, my Urchling is grown (she turns 20 this summer), I'm narrowing in on full blown menopause and I'm fluctuating. My life is and has been pretty good, all told. Yet I find myself angry often, mostly on behalf of Urchling and her age cohort, even young men. This anger doesn't have that same feral sensation to it though. Not for me. It feels more like nihilistic anarchy. Like theres no point in certain pretenses anymore. The gig is up. It feels like just being done and ready to burn it down but juxtaposed with the most delicious apathy. It's very peculiar.

Good essay.