I agree with several other commenters that your children need to be evaluated.

As the parent of an autistic child myself, I struggled for a while during her toddler and early childhood years with discipline until I got lucky. I stumbled onto the key to keeping things peaceful. Night and day difference. No more melt downs. No more tantrums. No more belligerence.

These things worked for me. They may work for you. If not, keep trying different things, you’ll stumble across something that works. Seize on it and expand it despite what people say. You will get flack from most people, particularly advocates of “spare the rod, spoil the child” and people who think of parenting in authoritarian terms.

My key? She needs to be part of the process rather than having discipline crammed down her throat. Punishments don’t work. As long as she’s part of the process, she’s gold.

I’ll give you an example. If I tell her to clean her room there’s going to be a battle. If I mention I nearly broke her toy because I stepped on it and hurt my foot, the next thing I know all the toys are up, all my stuff is up too, and she’s fussing at the dog for leaving her bone out. I’m not sure what the difference here is but I think asking her to clean her room triggers an executive dysfunction anxiety response typical in autistic children (“I have to clean my room! Which do I do first? Pick up clothes or put blocks away?”) that leads to a meltdown whereas mentioning that I hurt my foot gives her a problem to solve.

This strategy has been an absolute Godsend to me. But I don’t typically advertise it. People with neuro-typical children just don’t understand the challenges of raising special needs kids. With things like ASD it can be such a mild and invisible disorder they typically don’t believe you.

Other things that really helped:

• keeping a quiet household. No blaring TV, computer games, or ongoing noise. Lots of quiet time and quiet conversations. Reading and earplugs.
• A companion dog. I got her a beagle, a very sweet natured and nonagressive dog that will curl up with my daughter when she’s stressed and calm her down but also play gently with her.
• I focus on being active rather than athletic. Going for walks/hikes, bike riding, swimming, running, skating, etc. Not sports. Sports cause problems. Daily activity is very important though.
• Drawing. She’s obsessive about drawing. I indulge it — we homeschool so her homework in the early years was mostly done with drawings or orally.
• A 'uniform’. She’s ticky about clothing fabric. She wears tank tops and shorts or leggings almost daily. Cotton lycra blend. When I find something she likes I buy multiples. In second grade she wore the same outfit every day in 5 different colors. I kid you not. Exact same shoe through every shoe size. I kid you not. It helps.

I’m a single mom too, which means I exist between the super fun perceptions of pity and scorn for most people. It sucks, but it just is. I also have to balance all the needs of running a house and earning an income within the standard 24 hr allotment of time and the very finite levels of emotional resources I have available on any given day. Add to that the “not good enough” guilt laid in the lap of all mothers and it’s a wonder any of us stay sane. I’m not looking to be Supermom living an Instagram life. I’m looking for enough balance to remain functional and not hate my life and to truly enjoy as much of the experience as possible. (Not to be confused with the false reports of happiness and perfection coming from the 🐂💩 brigade).

Do yourself some favors. Give yourself credit for what you get right. Ultimately, all you have to do is your best to keep them out of harm’s way until adulthood. Keep them fed and keep them clothed. Even then, things happen. Give yourself permission to mess up. Tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes. Mistakes can be corrected. There are no such things as perfect parents or perfect children, so anyone who throws 💩 at you claiming otherwise has been rolling in theirs. Asking for help is not the same as painting a target on your chest for people to hurl asinine comments at. You don’t deserve the treatment you’ve gotten from these assholes. Don’t let it stick to you.

Lastly, kids go through hard phases sometimes regardless. It’s rough and leaves parents at their wits end but it’s not an indication you’re a bad parent. Sometimes it resolves on its own with time. Sometimes you have to get really tough with them, sometimes you have to get really lenient and give them space and let things breathe. It’s not like they have the self awareness, wherewithall, or language to tell you what they need anyway, so it’s always a trial and error process for all of them. You’re not a failure until you give up trying and seeking answers. Regrouping if you need to is not quitting, it’s strategic.

I hope this helps. If not, freely disregard.