Hey, there’s no argument that this relationship was a mistake. But on both their parts. It’s not her responsibility to have realized that any more than it is his. No more his, than hers.
I get the sense that part of her spiraling into despair is the realization that she has toxic patterns and entrapping beliefs. In a way, non-physical abuse is more nefarious in what it does to you. Plus, it’s not really a pattern until there are multiple data points, is it? So the first time it happens you look at the abuser because no one deserves abuse. Any kind of self reflection is aimed at why you stayed, why you missed it, and why it’s not your fault.
Our tendency to blame victims of abuse actually stunts their ability to self reflect. Its actually another form of abuse. It’s one thing to ask for or seek accountability. Blame and guilt are something else entirely.
How can anyone rightfully or effectively seek accountability when all of society is in a tug of war over blame? And tossing guilt around like candy at a parade?
Then, is this another abusive situation? If he’s legitimately depressed, he’s not intending to harm her. He likely doesn’t see that he is. Is her inability to handle living with someone with a mental illness abusing him? Or is she just in over her head?
Should this even count as a data point for toxic patterns of behavior on her part if she honestly doesn’t see that he’s depressed and honestly thinks he’s being manipulative to take advantage of her? I can see how she might since he’s actively lying to her. He’s claiming he’s looking for a job while playing games. And that is manipulative. So even if he is legitimately depressed, his behavior is problematic beyond mental illness as well.
Maybe he’s both depressed and being manipulative. Maybe he was fine and authentic until he fell into depression. It does alter people’s behavior. Maybe he wasn’t a liar before.
We just don’t know. I don’t want to throw shade at a guy who’s honestly struggling. Likewise, I don’t want to rake her over the coals for maybe not reacting the best when she’s in a state of despair. Her article was just so full of despair.
