Checking someone who is physically violating you had nothing whatsoever to do with invoking the patriarchy.

You don't sweet talk. You set boundaries. You treat her like an adult. You lay it out. You protect those children. Either she gets professional help or she leaves the home and you move to legally remove her parental rights. Full stop. Mean what you say and hold that boundary line. Give her something to fear more than being labeled crazy.

Don't be mean. Don't play into talk of "crazy". Say again and again how people can be sick in many ways how you (your boy) and the kids want her in their lives, how you hope she will choose them and her own health, how you'll all be there for her if she's willing to get help. You'll stand by her if she will face that fear for them. Say if she doesn't, it's just a matter of time before she hurts the kids, maybe kills one. Ask her if that's what she wants. Keep making her face what could happen. Keep laying out how she almost did, without anger and unemotionally. State it again and again, stay on that target and don't let her rage anyone off it. Show her video of how she behaved when she swings emotionally. Practice amongst yourselves before you confront her.

Give a time line for actuon. Find her someone to see but as an adult she has to walk in the door. If she wants to find her own doctors that's fine but require proof that she's going and doing what she's agreed to do.

Otherwise she leaves the home. Pack her a bag and pack up her car. Make sure that you tell her you hope she changes her mind and IF (and only if) she does, the door will be open. you'll miss her, you love her, and you wish her well.

Don't ever make a threat or ultimatum you're not willing to follow through on.

Absolutely get every bit of drugs and alcohol out of that house and keep them out.

I suspect you and your boys have your own problem there you need to tend to as well. Start going to AA/NA. You'll need your own trauma counseling as well.

I have little doubt that poor woman's mental illness is rooted in deep childhood trauma and PTSD from it. You see that a lot in emotionally unbalanced women. No one protected them. It seems to manifest differently in men, more as rage, but they suffer too. They don't have the sexual exploitation aspect as often either. Do you want whatever she went through as a child to be all your grandkids know too?

If not, then make the choice right now to stop being a weak and snivelling bitter old man and stand up for those children. Stand as sentinel for their health and well being. Let them know they have an advocate and protector.

Your choice.