But there can't be. People are different. We HAVE to make room for that.
Besides, a lot of the so called chivalrous behavior WAS creepy. Ted Bundy famously used social norms and chivalrous behavior as a lure to murder women.
A checklist of behaviors weakens our natural ability to assess intent and it provides cover for bad actors.
Allow me to recollect another engagement with a man stranger, this one unfortunate.
As I recall, the Urchling, my daughter, was just sitting up at the time, still wobbly. So she was 4.5 or 5 months old at the time. I was working 2nd shift part time to help out a family business during periods of high work volume and when I could get a babysitter, which meant after 1st shift.
Anyway, one night after I picked her up, we stopped by WalMart on the way home and picked up something. I can't remember what it was now, but it was big. Too big to fit into the trunk of my car but maybe small enough to get into the back seat if moved the front seats up as far as they would go and forced the issue.
I reason I can probably get the box in my car but I spoke with a clerk and explained my concern and asked them ifntbryd be willing to hold on to it for a day or two for me so my dad could come pick it up in the truck if I couldnt. They agreed, explained the requirements and asked me if I needed any help getting it in my car.
I politely declined, reason being that I needed to make reasonably sure I could get the box out of the car, down a flight of stairs and up two flights of stairs once I got home as well. It felt like it weighed about 120lbs.
As I recall, it was about 80 lbs pkus weight of box and packing material, so it wasn't likely 120 lbs. But recall I'd just given birth less than 5 months prior and I hadn't recovered my full strength yet after the effects of that hormone that softens your joints so the baby can pass through the birth canal. I'm saying I was still feeling the stress of that weight and struggle to move that box on my joints and it made things seem heavier.
So I buy the thing (I can't believe I can't remember what that thing was) and balance it on the top of a cart, Urchling's in the front basket, and we head out to the parking lot. So far so good.
It's around midnight.
I move Urchling's car seat to the front, and move both seats forward as far as I can comfortably sit. Urchling is still in the front basket of the shopping cart, babbling and watching with interest.
I grab the box, heave it up, and start wiggling it into the back seat. I've got it about 3/4th of the way in when one of the metal binding straps around it gets caught on the driver's side head rest, which is cloth.
Because...of course. We knew this wasn't going to be easy. So I check on Urchling, she's good, and I'm half in and out of the car, prostrated/pretzeled around this box trying to get that shipping strap off my headrest so I don't rip the fabric on it while simultaneously trying to keep it from falling out of the backseat with my foot and entertaining the Urchling. Multitasking at its finest.
All of a sudden, this male voice barks behind me, "DO YOU NEED HELP WITH THAT?!?!?"
I startle. I look over my shoulder at the guy but notice that Urchling is no longer looking happily entertained, but worried and she sticks her finger in her mouth. She was startled too.
"Thanks, but I've got it. I appreciate the offer, but I need...." I respond, I was going to briefly explain why I needed to make sure I could handle it.
"YOU'RE A WOMAN ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A BABY. YOU NEED HELP!!!!, he interrupts.
It's an older guy, over 65, so I assume he's screaming at me because he's hard of hearing. Also note, that as an elderly man in clear poor health, he's not going to be able to handle that box any better than me, even with my post partum strength reduction. Damn.
"Yeah. I'll be alone when I get home too which is why....," I tried again to politely refuse.
"MY MOTHER RAISED ME TO HELP FEMALES WHEN THEY NEED IT SO DON'T BLAME ME IF YOU CANT KEEP YOUR MAN HAPPY ENOUGH TO DO FOR YOU LIKE A MAN SHOULD NOW GET OUT OF THE WAY SO YOU CAN BE HELPED...."
He said a bunch of other stuff too, but I've got no idea what because he made the sad mistake of stepping between and Urchling while he's being all loud and aggressive and I got triggered. Hard.
You were asking about natural ethics of personal space. This is a fine example. Never ever ever step between a mother and her youngling acting like that. This is super basic shit. Every mammal in the world innately knows this except, apparently, some human males. You will provoke a violent response and also, it upsets the kid.
It did indeed. This is the first time Urchling has seen anyone yell her mother like this and she did not like it, not one little bit. She starts crying. Wailing, actually
Coincidentally, something weird happened with the parking lot lighting because everything suddenly had a red hue to it.
He's still raging like a lunatic and before I know it, I have abandoned the box, rushed this guy, grabbed him by his collar, jerked him away from my baby, and I'm the unhinged lunatic having a screaming come apart fit in this now shellshocked dude's face, "IF YOU DONT GET AWAY FROM ME AND MY BABY YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH I WILL RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!!!!". I shove him away from me, and he scrambles back muttering something or other about modern females and chivalry.
I'm shaking. So profound is my emotional distress and it being torn between extreme rage and extreme fear because I've realized how vulnerable Urchling makes me and how easily he could have hurt her cause he's clearly off his rocker, I can't do anything but stand frozen and shake for several minutes. Urchling is still wailing and reaching for me.
I eventually calm foen enough to calm her down, we get the car loaded up, make it home and all is well except for then I had a raging headache.
So now anytime someone mentions chivalry, I think about that night and all these years later, it still gives me the heebie jeebies.
In review, we see once again, it's less about intent or what's said and more about how it's said and done.
1) snuck up behind me
2) loud, dehumanizing language
3) aggressiveness - refusing to accept a polite no.
4) then using "social rules" to intrude where you've clearly been not invited.
5) using body and intimidating body language to separate me from my child to attempt forced compliance.
6) son of a bitch made my baby cry by acting in a violent fashion (yelling, body posture) toward her mother.
I'm honestly shocked inallowed that fool to continue breathing that night. I was just so shocked by his aggressive behavior I was having a near out of body experience over it.
It's so weird that guys always want/demand a checklist or some kind of a punchlist for social interactions. By their very nature, they are fluid things. It won't ever work. Better to think of them like how water moves. You can't control each individual drop, but you can channel,m and direct flow somewhat. There's an ebb and flow to them. You won't ever be in full control, you'd have better luck trying to hold back a tide. But you shouldn't want to either, cause if you did, how would you be able to sail or surf the waves? That's where the thrill and the high is, right?
Chivalry imposes upon women for the comfort of men feeling in control.
