A lot of this resonates for me. I’m on the autism spectrum too and I think my depressive cycles are tied to that as much (or more) as hormonal fluctuations.

I just get tired of life. It’s boring routines. The constant inane ramblings and musings of all it’s boring people. The same conversations. The same propaganda bouncing off every wall limiting our choices. The same pressures and expectations.

Let’s face it. For those of us on the spectrum, life can be a relentless chore of trying to fit in. Everything becomes about how we need to mask and mold ourselves so other people are comfortable. But we have special skill sets that rarely get a chance to shine or be understood and appreciated. People are annoyed and put out when tasked with making things comfortable for us so we can have a little space in the world too.

If that sounds like a depressing way to have to live life, it’s because it is. Really, is it any wonder one’s brain rebels and wants to check out for a while under such conditions?

When it gets bad I just don’t wanna. do. anything. Or think about anything. I just want quiet and to be left alone. I become a misanthrope.

We’ve all gotta find ways to deal. I’m opposed to medication because in this case it doesn’t seem to fix it, it just makes you a zombie so you go through the motions but you never have the upbeat productive cycles either. I’ve known other people like this who are on meds and their results have been less than gold. They do the care minimum, but they’re not happy and they don’t create anymore. So I don’t want that option.

I became a hobby collector. I find that starting something new gives me that spark of excitement to make it through. When the newness wears off, I move to something else. I also indulge the binge cycle. It used to be sweets but now when I feel the urge to binge I binge on reading, Netflix marathon, sex, walking, or something else that will give me that dead zone headspace I need.

Honestly, sometimes it’s still sweets, but not as much and not as bad. I don’t beat myself up about it, I just move on. I recognize that need to binge is a wolf deep in my psyche that needs to be fed. So I try to feed it before it starts growling and snapping at me and I lose power over it. Then things don’t get so bad.

I hope you find a way to feed your wolf. I suspect a lot of people have wolves to feed. It’s a shame that guilt and judgment prevent so many from doing so in healthy ways. As it turns out, when they’re not starving, those wolves can be pretty good companions.