A lot of men say that. I guess I somewhat understand the fear.

But, to be fair, women face the same chance of false accusations, just different ones. Frankly, there seems to be a whole lot more nefarious gossip about women than men. We all need to do better here.

Secondly, if a woman I know came up to me and said a man I know raped, assaulted, or abused her, my willingness and readiness to believe he did such a thing rests more on him and his past behavior than it does on what she says, at least initially. Doesn’t mean I disbelieve or discount her, either. It means there’s a thinking process that happens, which is as it should be. The first step of that thinking process is whether or not I believe it’s a possibility.

I can’t stand Dr Phil, but he’s got this one liner he says all the time that is actually useful. "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Right? This isn’t really some kind of monumental insight, I think we all unconsciously do this about pretty much everything. He just promotes it as a slogan. Our thoughts and feelings about something are based in past experience, either positively or negatively, and either biased or authentic.

So if my female friend says my male friend drugged and raped her, for example, I’m going to unconsciously think back to his past behavior for credibility. Did he ever make rape "jokes"? Did he ever express the opinion that it’s not rape if they don’t remember? Has anyone ever warned me off dating him? Does he make people, particularly women, around him uneasy? Does he push drinks on women? Does he take a polite refusal well or does he amp up the coaxing, subtle shaming, etc? Has he talked about date rape drugs in a sketchy fashion? Does he openly defend known rapists and misogynists? And so forth and so on.

I’m going to do the same thing with her. Has she ever lied to me in the past? Was it a malicious lie, or just repeated gossip? Does she cause problems and throw people under the bus for her own gain? Is she manipulative? And so forth and so on.

In other words, does anything I have observed from their past behavior lead me to believe the accusation or claim is possibly credible or false?

If I don’t know the guy, I’m going to look at what he’s doing online. I’m going to poke around a bit. I’m going to exercise some caution and common sense like a reasonable fucking adult.

That’s my starting point.

What I’m not going to do is automatically fall into a pattern of gaslighting, victim blaming and shaming, excusing, covering up for, etc., that so many victims have had to endure because they were automatically disbelieved because abuse allegations make people uncomfortable.

My comfort is not what’s important. Justice and prudence is.

Anyways, the point is that false allegations are exceedingly rare. Your chances of being falsely accused and convicted of murder or any other crime except maybe cannibalism are actually higher than that of sexual assault. But men fear the latter more than the former. ???

Further, #BelieveAllWomen was not about condemning men. It was about ending that culture of automatic disbelief amongst first responders, police, and the judicial system that assault and DV survivor have had to face. That gauntlet, quite frankly, is a second assault no one should have to endure. Women have committed suicide over society’s tendency to fall all over themselves protecting abusers. Look into the Brock Turner case to see what I mean. That situation is much more likely to be an outcome than false accusations ruining a man’s life or sending him to prison.

You guys are living in terror of a cognitive Boogeyman of your own creation. I think maybe this has more to do with living in a culture of rape, you’re afraid of being tainted with that brush. Or maybe, it’s because deep down you believe men should have sexual rights to women and/or you’re having internalized problems understanding lines of consent, what’s okay and what’s not. You’re wondering if or suspecting you crossed a line in your past and are afraid you’ll have to face consequences for it in the future when things are going their best for you.